92 Percent Water
by Gunpowder Cookies
Summary: Some things don't even make sense in context. Take Natsu claiming to have broken Lucy's melons. A complete and utter crackfic.


**AN: So I wrote this in 20 minutes at 3 am a few weeks ago as a joke, and since it's almost 4 am and I'm hyperactive, I'm publishing with the reasoning that life is too short to have unpublished crackfics.**

**_Disclaimer: I'm glad I don't own Fairy Tail. Because if I did own it then I would feel sorry for the fanbase._**

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**~ 92 Percent Water ~**

"YOU BROKE LUCY'S MELONS?"

Silence in the guild of Fairy Tail is an extremely rare occasion. Therefore, when Mirajane's horrified screech sent a universal hush amongst the guild's mages, it served as an indication of the gravity of those four words. It took a second for the message to sink in before the reactions began.

Turning to see his nakama (some of which were either passed out or bleeding, most staring in either shock or confusion), Natsu the confessor shrugged. "Come on guys, it's not that big a deal."

Mirajane looked torn between weeping and castrating the poor dragonslayer. "Of course it is! What is Sorcerer Weekly going to do now? Those melons were fantastic and now you've gone and ruined them!"

"What was so special about them? They looked normal enough to me." He said, turning around to see if anyone was unaffected and looking genuinely confused.

At this point Erza sauntered forward, arms folded and ready to interrogate, businesslike as always. "I think the real question here is what Natsu was doing anywhere near Lucy's melons in the first place."

Everyone turned a critical gaze to said pink haired doofus, who cleared his throat. "Well, she was asleep and-"

"SWEET MOTHER OF MAVIS SQUINTY EYES MOLESTED-"

Gray was promptly shut up when the pillar behind him was impaled by a sword that had flown through the air only inches away from his face. The only thing that could have made that experience more terrifying would have been for the already deadly blade to have been on fire, covered with venomous snakes and travelling at the speed of light.

The flame mage proceeded to flap his arms about and shake his head. "No, not like _that_. You see-"

"- Lucy was sleeping and we decided to-"

"OH GOD HAPPY YOU TOO?"

Yet another sword found its way into the pillar suspiciously close to Gray's head. Had the situation not been so completely and utterly serious, the guild members would have probably been taking bets on how many times the ice mage could narrowly avoid death by Erza.

Said fierce red-haired woman turned sharply to the exuberant exceed. "So both you and Natsu broke Lucy's melons?"

"Yeah! Those things were huge!" Happy chirped, stretching out his paws as far as he could to emphasize.

At this point Mirajane, who was a tearful wreck mainly due to the absolutely petrifying images her mind had conjured up, slapped the table and shrieked. "OF COURSE THEY WERE!" Lisanna and Elfman quickly flocked to comfort her, silently thanking their lucky stars that she had not used her Satan Soul. "They were huge and somehow natural and fabulous-"

"You couldn't really miss them. She had one hell of a rack." Levy chimed before remembering that she was supposed to be astounded.

Cana, who was the only member of the guild seemingly unaffected by this, chugged her beer before speaking. "I mean, did you see those sweater puppies?"

"I thought we were talking about melons?" Natsu said, tilting his head quizzically to the side. "Since when were puppies involved? And why are they wearing sweaters?"

Happy would have shrugged if he could. "We only broke her melons."

This conversation probably would have spiralled down further into the deepest darkest irredeemable pits of insanity had it not been interrupted by a slam and a screech. Although the word screech is something of an understatement- it sounded like somebody had taken the sound of nails on a blackboard, heightened it a few octaves and increased the volume by tenfold, the result being a shrill declaration of murderous intent.

"NATSU DRAGNEEL YOU BASTARD WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY MELONS?"

Half the guild turned away, sure that the sight of Lucy Heartfilia would be too horrifying for them the comprehend. The others (who either had stronger stomachs, genuine curiosity or just had no idea what the hell was going on) turned to see the blonde standing near the entrance, having uncharacteristically kicked the door open and stormed in. Coral coloured liquid was soaked into her blonde hair, dripping down her face, down her pyjamas, down everywhere. On the hand that she was using to point accusingly blotchy purple bruises were plainly visible.

However, her melons (or sweater puppies, rack, jigglies, gazungas, whatever you may call them) were safely intact and still attached to her chest.

Releasing another animalistic shriek of fury, the enraged celestial mage charged forward, prodding her teammate in the chest with more force than necessary. Natsu should have been grateful that she had yet to unleash her infamous 'Lucy kick', because she certainly seemed to hold an overwhelming amount of murderous intent. In fact, it was completely down to good fortune that she hadn't thought to bring her whip or keys.

"Didn't I tell you specifically not to touch those watermelons?! I got them on special offer and everything! And if you break someone's watermelons then the least you can do is not shove them in their wardrobe and hope they won't notice: because let me provide you with some much-needed enlightenment, THEY WILL DAMN WELL NOTICE! I thought I was used to all the weird shit that happens daily thanks to you but opening my wardrobe and being bombarded with an onslaught of damaged fruit is not what anyone expects first thing in the morning. And to top it all off THESE PYJAMAS ARE WHITE HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET THE STAINS OUT?" Lucy half-wailed, half-roared, accompanied with vivid gestures.

Silence.

Cana finished her tankard, slamming it on the table. With no other sound in the guild, it drew all eyes.

"I'm not even going to pretend that makes sense."


End file.
